I don't regret my life, not one bit. I don't wonder about changing any of the choices I've made, atleast on the larger scale because even the biggest mistakes I've made, have brought me blessings.
But being a full-time single Mum can definitely leave me feeling lonely, isolated and missing something that partnered Mother's have.
And I don't just mean partnered Mother's. I mean couples. And I don't mean all of them. I mean the special ones. The ones that don't need to force it or fake it on socials. I mean the ones that really have it.
Whatever 'it' is. I haven't been lucky enough to have it, to know what it really is. But it's the mutal spoken and unspoken agreements that they have to choose each other in every moment, every day. To always respect and consider each other.
It's strange though. I don't always feel this way.
I actually love my life just as it is and it's absolutely terrifying to imagine letting someone new in. It would almost be like letting someone have an opportunity to destroy everything I've built for myself.
I'm often just so greatful that I can just get in and get things done alone; when you don't have a partner to rely on there's never any unmet expectations to leave you disappointed.
But maybe that's because I've never had a significant other that I can depend on. And I mean truly depend on.
And I sometimes wonder what that would feel like; to have someone truly dependable to stand by my side through everything in life.
Not to just have someone there because they feel obliged to be. But someone that wants to be there more than anywhere else.
I've never had that in a relationship before.
I wonder if there is someone out there purely for me. Someone that wants to understand me, someone who really wants to know my story and understand me as much as I want to know and understand everything about them.
When the nights are long or they days are hard and I've done everything on my own, I can't help but think about whether there's a twin flame out there waiting for me. It makes me feel like a pathetic, sad, Disney princess.. but is true love a real thing?
Will there ever be anyone special in my life to love me, just as I am. Will he let me be free and not try to control me. Will he love my mind, even if he doesn't always 'get' it. Will he appreciate my hard work and see what I'm actually made of. Will he exist..
I'm tired of finding only people that wish to break me down or see me only as a sexual object. I'd rather always be alone than to feel less love than I give. I'd rather always be alone than feel less appreciation than I give.
I guess that what I'm trying to express is that building a life alone can definitely be a lonely gig, but it's better than building a life built on the lies of others or for others. Or worse, lies to yourself.
I won't settle for less again. I just won't do it.
No matter how much I wonder what it's like to not be alone, I won't ever trade all of myself for another again in all of my life. No one is worth losing myself. My identity. Me.
I won't ever again let someone tell me how to think or tell me my opinion is wrong. I won't let anyone make me believe that lacking shades of grey is a bad thing. I won't ever let anyone have all of me, but still choose every single other person in the room first. I definitely won't stand by while they choose people that aren't even in the room instead.
I've been broken before but I've learnt a few tough lessons. If it's not what I give and what I deserve, it's not it.
I'm never going backwards. I'm never going back.
Never again will I let myself hide in the shadows for someone else to believe they can shine by keeping me there.
I deserve the love I can give.
If I can't find it, I'll learn to keep loving myself instead.
I deserve to be chosen.
If I can't find that, I'll keep choosing myself.
I refuse to believe that it's dead in this modern world. But I very much believe it's rare and endangered. Maybe we won't all find it. Maybe I won't find it. But I won't settle for less.